Ever have a couple of weeks where nothing goes right? For the past couple of weeks, I have been living with pneumonia, having a rough time with family relations, totally struggling with my job (maybe because I am sick), and today my entire apartment flooded. Flooded! And with it came the bugs. So that’s what 2 biblical disasters? How many more are there?
Anyway, in case you are wondering where I went-because I have kind of done the “I’m hiding” thing- I am still around. But it will be a few more weeks until you see any real activity on this blog.
Dear Jerk (I am too nice to address you the proper way),
A few weeks ago, you kicked me very hard right below the knee. This took place at the top of the stairs on the eastbound side of 22nd St Station.
I don’t know your situation. I have no idea if you have a drug problem, hate women, or you needed some cash to go calm whatever screaming need was bothering you at that moment.
It is unacceptable that you take your rage out on innocent people. You were unprovoked. Granted you had no idea that I am healing from another injury-so its likely you would have no idea that I would fall so hard. Regardless, you had no right. Citizens deserve to be safe. Free from attackers and any kind of abuse.
The transit police know about you – and have been given an accurate description. You will be caught if you keep up with this destructive behavior. When I am notified of your capture, I have a list of things that you can do for me. Since you are the reason I have a 2nd degree sprained ankle, and can’t walk properly.
I am not so naive to think that you will be kept locked up. I know better than that. I do want for you to get some help with your addiction/anger/self esteem issues though. The world would be safer if you helped yourself.
Broken skyline, which way to love land Which way to something better Which way to forgiveness Which way do, I go
Its time to move on, time to get going What lies ahead I have no way of knowing But under my feet, baby, grass is growing Its time to move on, its time to get going
When things stop working you change them. Its such a simple concept, and such a hard reality. We are afraid of the unknown. What happens if our future isn’t as good as our present? Is this what causes us to stay in relationships that are no longer working, or jobs that are beneath us? That we are afraid of coming up empty?
If you were unhappy in your current situation, what would it take for you to leave? I honestly wish I knew the answer to this question. I certainly think about it enough. But the fact is, I don’t have the faintest idea on how to make myself happy.
Relationships are hard for me in the best of circumstances. I am a better girlfriend in long distance relationships than when my boyfriend lives in town. There are many reasons for it. And while I understand that my choice isn’t exactly the healthy one- it is what it is. And right now, I am not able to face up to things in order to make that kind of change.
My work life is kind of in the same boat. I worked very hard at a teaching career to have it taken away from me (albeit temporarily). I have attempted to fill that void mostly with my full-time job, but with a few side projects as well. I ask myself why I haven’t tried to find something permanent that will better suit my skill set, and the answer I keep coming up with is, that I am not deserving.
And so right now, I am going on record by saying this is the dumbest thing ever. Of course I deserve better. I deserve better in all aspects. Potholes are inserted into our life maps so we will seek new paths, experience new things. So we will acknowledge that things aren’t working in our lives and force us to make changes.
I am ready to start paying attention to these potholes now. May they guide me to the life that I really want (and deserve to have).
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is something that I know a lot about. Not from the perspective of a health practitioner – but from the point of view of a patient. A patient who considers herself to be recovered. Now pick yourself up from the floor, right this instant. Yes, I said recovered. Now, like everything else my health is not 100% perfect. But I am well enough to hold down a full time job, work on a healing program, start a new business, and maintain relationships.
So how does one go from living in her pajamas to having a full-time life? I will be honest, initially it takes a lot of work. But once you get into a regime it gets easier every day. This is a list of things to work on, in order to get a life out of bed.
Independence is key. If you know that people aren’t going to be around 24/7 to help you out, you are forced to do things on your own. So what if it takes you 2 hours to wash a sink full of dishes. The sense of accomplishment will give you a small high- and you can get some rest afterwards.
Pajamas are lovely, but you need to get dressed in real clothes everyday – with your shoes on. I do not care if its only for 10 minutes a day. You need to retrain your brain and your body to get well. Clothes and shoes help with this. And while you are dressed…..
Why not go outside for a bit of fresh air and exercise. I am not suggesting that you run a marathon. I know how it feels to be ill and try to walk to the end of the block. Its not easy. But it is necessary. Exercise helps with the pain. Everyday, walk a little bit. You can start with walking to the sidewalk – if you are feeling good, walk down to the end of the block – and then go further. When I was having a good day, I would go for walks-and get to a point where I was too tired to turn around and come back. If you are like me, I suggest carrying a cellphone and some cab fare. It comes in handy.
Acknowledge a bad day for what it is, but don’t dwell on it. Bad days don’t last forever. Pop in a favorite movie and retire to the sofa for a few hours. Something familiar will help you sleep, or at least help relax you.
Ginger Ale is a god-send. Mix it with some cranberry juice (not cocktail) for some nutritional value. This drink helps calm stomach aches, headaches, and the sugar will help give you a bit of pep.
Eat an egg. This is the one thing my mother taught me. When I was too sick to eat real food, she would insist that I poach an egg- force it down, wait 10 minutes, and then go for a walk around the block. I hate that she was right- but this did help a whole lot.
Make a date. While I am a big believer in independence, spending time with people is essential. You don’t want to become one of those old women with 30 cats. Socialization is important. If you aren’t feeling up to going out. Maybe invite someone to hang out with you. Watch a movie, play cards, talk, drink tea. It doesn’t really matter as long as there is some human contact. Real friends will understand if you aren’t feeling fantastic, and you end up falling asleep on them.
Make goals. You will never get well if you don’t have a plan of action. This isn’t CFS related, but when I broke my elbow this year, I suffered quite a bit of damage to the ulnar nerve. As a classical guitarist, this nerve is essential for playing. The nerve is so damaged, that I do not have feeling in 2 fingers on my right hand. It’s been 8 months since the injury. I can play 1.5 minutes of guitar a day. My goal is to play 30 minutes a day by the end of the year. It may sound lofty, but if I didn’t have that goal, I would have given up months ago.
You know what is best for you. Family and friends can be annoying with their suggestions. They may be just a little too eager to help. But they do have your best interest at heart (or at least feel like they do). You can listen to them, but you do not have to take their suggestions. It is after all your recovery – and you can approach it the way you want. The same is true for bloggers who have figured out a way to live successfully with CFS.
Do not join a support group for patients with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. This is where you are going to find your toxic people. These people are not interested in getting better. They are there to find a sympathetic ear, and to whine about how lousy they feel. This helps no one. They also serve really bad coffee, and horribly stale store bought cookies – and this is never good.
Like I said, you must find your own path. It took a combination of a lot of things for me to get well. A great support team, a doctor who listened and tried new therapies, alternative health (which really helped), and a brand new outlook. I still have a ways to go – my recovery took a very wide left turn this year, but I am on the right path now.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is not a life sentence. You will not spend the rest of your days as a zombie. If you want to get better, you will. It sounds simple. Your head has everything to do with it. Change your thinking- once you have done that, you are going to start noticing some changes.
The last thing to remember, is that its a journey. Just like everything else, the path will twist and turn and there will be some hurdles. But taking this path is way better than deciding to live your days out in a sickbed.
Trust me on that one.
*All this knowledge was gathered when I was writing the blog CFS Squared for b5media.
**Picture Source - tanakawho via flickr
This post should actually be titled, “Reason 179 – Why I Hate New Westminster”, but that wouldn’t be exactly fair. Technically its not the city’s fault that some asshat decided to use me as a punching bag.
I woke up in a good mood this morning. I was running a tad late (as usual), but other than that my morning was going swimmingly. My commute to work was going well. I was reading a fun book, I was even smiling (believe me, that doesn’t happen often). All was well until I got to the 22nd St skytrain station in New Westminster. I got off the train, was politely waiting for my turn to go down the stairs – and then WHAM. For absolutely no reason some guy kicks me really hard on the side of my right leg.
It was the kind of kick that someone practices on a punching bag, in a gym. The kind of kick you learn in some kind of kickboxing or martial arts class. Not only did he hurt me, but he didn’t even apologize. After I yelled, “HEY!!!”, I glared at him waiting for an apology. He growled at me, and then mumbled something that sounded like “surly”. I hobbled away, after calling him an asshole. I have never said that word to someone’s face before. Which makes me even more upset.
I always pay attention to my surroundings. I know how close people are to me, and I make sure that neither of us are invading each other’s personal space. I know that I was at least an arms length away from this man. I didn’t speak to him, but I would recognize him, if I ever saw him again. I actually noticed him before he had kicked me- because he was wearing a lot of clothes for a really hot July day. His outfit consisted of a tshirt, a red fleece jacket, blue jeans, navy blue baseball cap, and hiking boots.
Maybe we can track him down. If you need a clue, the imprint of the sole of his boot is on my right leg.
The purple ribbon brings awareness to domestic violence
Today is Abused Women and Children Awareness Day. Often people who are in abusive relationships aren’t able to do anything about it. The reason is fear. Fear that the abuser will find them, and make an already unbearable situation sheer torture. Please keep in mind that abuse comes in forms other than the physical. Cruelty also comes in sexual, mental, and emotional forms. Understand that abuse does not discriminate between race or sex. People of all cultures are abused, as are both men and women (and children).
Here are some warning signs that someone you care about may be in an abusive situation.*
When your friend is with her husband he acts very controlling, and will put her down in front of others.
Her husband will become very jealous of others who pay attention to her. He will be jealous of both men and women (not just other men).
She will become quiet and withdrawn, for fear of making him angry.
Your friend will begin to isolate herself. Not talk to close friends or family.
She will often cancel plans at the last moment.
Her husband will control all aspects of her life. Her finances, her social engagements, her friends, her behavior.
You have seen her husband lose his temper, breaking objects or hitting walls.
Sometimes you will see unexplained injuries.
She makes light of his behavior.
If they have children, the child will often be withdrawn and silent.
If you see abuse happening in the moment, please report it. Abuse often goes unreported. If we don’t do something about it, the cycle can continue for generations. Violence is passed down from parent to child. We need to stop this now. Domestic abuse goes much further than the family. It is a community problem.
If you suspect a friend or family member is being abused, let them know that you are there for them. They may not be willing to talk about what is happening, or even willing to leave. But there are still things that you can do. You can spend time with them. Listen to them. Offer them a safe place. Build a network for your friend. Help arrange professional help (eg financial). Help come up with an escape plan if necessary – code words work well. And call 911 if you see the abuse occurring.
This problem involves all of us.
* I understand that abuse can happen to both men and women. To make the examples simpler, I used traditional roles. The roles of abuser/victim are interchangeable.
**Thank you to Liz Claiborne’s Women’s Work via ivillage for the warning signs
*** Picture Source – Valerie Everett via flickr
A lot of you will know that I once had an issue with hair loss. And that it didn’t really bother me a whole lot. Perhaps, this is because I was fairly sure it was a temporary situation. I was never completely bald, but I did lose a significant amount of hair, due to a recurring high fever brought on by mono. While I understand how devastating hair loss can be, I chose a que sera sera attitude about it.
The National Bald Out is a day to support bald women to go without wigs or scarves. A day to encourage them to be bold and embrace their baldness. This is a day to show women that its fine to go out and about sans wig. Its a day where fear of name calling or strange looks should not be an issue. The National Bald Out is a day for women to feel beautiful whether they have hair or not.
If you want more information, please visit baldgirlsdolunch.org and alopeciaworld.com websites. Of course learning about the day is most important, so here is a video introduction to what the National Bald Out is all about. Now, to figure out what I will be doing for July 19th. Anyone in Vancouver want to get together and help me plan a little something?
This broken elbow thing has got me down. I mean seriously depressed. First it was the pain. Then came the dark thoughts consisting of ”I’ll never play guitar again”. Now comes the financial reality, that I can’t afford to live. As shallow as this sounds, this is the one that may break me.
The doctors have told me that I will regain full use of my arm, in time. Whether I play guitar again, they don’t know. That’s fine – therapy (and loads of it) will get me to where I want to be. I can work hard for 18 months-and not worry too much about losing the ability to play like a pro…I have confidence (a small amount) that I can come back from this.
But whether I can afford to keep up the therapy and my life, is another story. These past 6 months has drained every penny that I have saved, and has maxed out my credit cards. I knew that my savings could keep me afloat for a few months, but I somehow deluded myself into thinking that I would be able to survive month to month for a little while, until my arm heals, and life can continue the way it was.
I was sadly mistaken.
Even my most clever budgeting isn’t helping me out. I have always lived a modest life – but now it appears that I am one step away from living in a box. I tried cutting back on the healing sessions, but it turns out that without them I am losing strength-in fact I think I am moving backwards. For example I cant carry a bag of groceries without falling over, and watching an avalanche of tomatoes roll down the hill.
I am at a point where I don’t know what else I can cut out.
I have already cut out the following:
weekly coffee outing
cellphone
cable
buying lunch/dinner
clothes shopping
going to the movies, unless its free
Closing my teaching practice was something that I dreaded doing. Not just because I loved teaching – but having only one job just doesn’t work for me, when this craziness is happening. Teaching was the one part of my life that was really good. You take that away, and not only do I lose something that is very important to me, but I lose a very healthy secondary income.
And so while I am looking for freelance writing or other part time opportunities, I could really use some advice on what else I should be cutting out of my budget.
In case you are wondering, so far the tally for healing sessions is $10, 218.54 – its far from over, I now need to add 18 months of physio – on top of acupuncture, alexander technique, and some training for musicians who sustain career threatening injuries.
Today, I attended my first New Westminster hosted event in about 10 years. The Ancient and Honourable Hyack Anvil Battery makes their major appearance on Victoria Day. The purpose of this exhibition is to celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday with a 21 anvil salute. In actuality, they blow up one anvil twenty-one times. When you see the men parade onto the field of Queens Park Stadium; you can’t help but think you have wandered onto the set of the very surreal sixties television program, The Prisoner.
After 15 minutes of listening to explosions and oral interludes given by the city’s historian, you begin to feel proud that you have been part of a very unique tradition. I am not aware of another city giving tribute in such a loud and colourful way. If there is another city performing this tribute, I can’t imagine them executing it with as much panache, as these gentlemen.
Each member of the battery team has a role. Forgive me, I do not know the official job titles of each member, but unofficially they range from time keeper, to gun powder stuffer, to lifters (re-arrangers) of the anvil, card setter, and lighter of the anvil. Lets not forget my favorite member, the team doctor. He is the one who gives each member a little checkup after they have performed their duties.
Did you know the reason why the City of New Westminster creates all of this fuss for a ruler long deceased? Queen Victoria was the monarch that named the city- and she thoughtfully named it after her favorite part of London. If she hadn’t renamed the city we would still be calling it Queensborough (and I suspect the citizens of that area-might feel a little put out).
Today I realized that my home town is rich in history, and has a very unique culture. While I have very mixed feelings about the city I grew up in, I have to be just a little bit proud of the fact that I lived there for so long.
I am pleased to inform you that while you can take the girl out of New Westminster, you can’t take New Westminster out of the girl.
Congratulations to the City of New Westminster, for putting on such a great event. To find other happenings in New Westminster this week, please check out the Hyack Festival website.
I have a public blog. A blog that represents my life. A life that I don’t hide from. A life that has good elements and bad ones. A life that I am desperately trying to make sense of. In essence, this blog is therapy. I have not shared it with my psychiatrist, or even with a lot of friends. But if they wanted to read what I have to say, it could easily be found via a quick search on google. I wouldn’t have a problem, if they found it.
With a public persona, I am not able to control all aspects of life-once the reader has left this blog. I understand that there are risks to putting ones life online (or on the line). Risks that I am ok with because I feel that if writing about my experiences can help me to feel better – then they may help someone else. This is the reason behind my blog. It is a process. One that helps me become a healthier me. If there are others who want to join in – all the better.
It makes no difference to me, whether you agree with what I am doing or not. I will survive either way. Some of the topics I write about are of a sensitive nature. You may very well have a problem with them. Leave a comment and let me know how you feel. I encourage an open dialogue. If you feel weird about leaving a comment in a public forum, email me. We can talk there.
I do ask though, that you leave my commenters alone. By all means, leave a message on a post that they have commented on (they will most likely see it), but do not contact them directly. This blog is not to be used as some kind of introductory message service. There are other ways to meet people. Social networking sites are a good example. Sign up for a Facebook account. There are lots of people on that site who want new friends. Most of my commenters choose to be anonymous or semi anonymous. Their privacy needs are to be respected by everyone. Including me. I do not violate anyone’s confidentiality on this blog. I expect my readers to do the same. In fact I demand it.
If you need further explanation, please contact me directly.
Thank you for understanding. Its quite a delicate topic, and I have lots more to say on it. But for 98% of the pop. who read this little blog of mine, won’t need any further clarification- and probably didn’t even need to read this post. My apologies.
@PGNwewsUS do you have a twitter presence for your canadian business-I need some help and my requests are being ignored 3 hours ago
Dear Procter and Gamble, your customer service is awful. And your WOM doesn't work - my orders aren't flowing into your main system.Fix it! 4 hours ago
@paulrickett there are torrents of the prisoner on mininova -just make sure you search the prisoner, 2009 or you get a bunch of Harry Potter 5 hours ago
The Rules
May 17, 2009 by laurabzowy
Privacy - It Goes For People Too
I have a public blog. A blog that represents my life. A life that I don’t hide from. A life that has good elements and bad ones. A life that I am desperately trying to make sense of. In essence, this blog is therapy. I have not shared it with my psychiatrist, or even with a lot of friends. But if they wanted to read what I have to say, it could easily be found via a quick search on google. I wouldn’t have a problem, if they found it.
With a public persona, I am not able to control all aspects of life-once the reader has left this blog. I understand that there are risks to putting ones life online (or on the line). Risks that I am ok with because I feel that if writing about my experiences can help me to feel better – then they may help someone else. This is the reason behind my blog. It is a process. One that helps me become a healthier me. If there are others who want to join in – all the better.
It makes no difference to me, whether you agree with what I am doing or not. I will survive either way. Some of the topics I write about are of a sensitive nature. You may very well have a problem with them. Leave a comment and let me know how you feel. I encourage an open dialogue. If you feel weird about leaving a comment in a public forum, email me. We can talk there.
I do ask though, that you leave my commenters alone. By all means, leave a message on a post that they have commented on (they will most likely see it), but do not contact them directly. This blog is not to be used as some kind of introductory message service. There are other ways to meet people. Social networking sites are a good example. Sign up for a Facebook account. There are lots of people on that site who want new friends. Most of my commenters choose to be anonymous or semi anonymous. Their privacy needs are to be respected by everyone. Including me. I do not violate anyone’s confidentiality on this blog. I expect my readers to do the same. In fact I demand it.
If you need further explanation, please contact me directly.
Thank you for understanding. Its quite a delicate topic, and I have lots more to say on it. But for 98% of the pop. who read this little blog of mine, won’t need any further clarification- and probably didn’t even need to read this post. My apologies.
**Picture Source- @Joe Schlabotnik on flickr
Posted in health, moods, therapy | Tagged blog etiquette, commenting, contact, dialogue, google search, privacy issues, problems, sensitive topics, social networking, therapy | 2 Comments »